Physical “dis”/otherabilities/challenges … The mincing of words is significant. How will I be labeled, and more importantly, how will I label myself?
I already know what I have to do, so I’m just ranting out of frustration…
My body is changing (I was going to type “falling apart” but I’ve learned better) … yes, the car accident exacerbated an already burgeoning problem, but I am just so frustrated!
I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and Chronic Pain Syndrome … that’s a bummer, indeed. It’s a diagnosis from last spring. It’s interesting only in its cruelty. I had spent 2012 getting in shape and focusing on my physical health. I lost 42 pounds, my blood pressure went down, I could run a 5K, and I was feeling myself. I’m not ashamed to say I looked amazing! I had muscles and strength I didn’t know about and I was impressed. I was eating healthy foods and portions, and felt great!!! But there were still a few things that were just not right. When my BP started to spike (180/110) my GP started running tests and sending me to specialists… that’s when they diagnosed the RA/CPS … When I know or believe I can do something and then my body doesn’t allow it, I get upset. I didn’t realize this was happening, but my throat would tighten up, I’d get a headache, I would stop breathing (holding my breath and clenching my teeth) and that, of course, would stress me out even more!
I am NOT a person who feels comfortable asking for help… I’m just not. I know I should learn, but I am not. I am independent. I am strong-willed. I like things to be done a certain way (perfectionism), and sometimes only I can do a certain job. When other people do things to step in, they often don’t go all the way, giving work a mere cursory treatment. This leaves me feeling like I’ve got to go back in over their work, so I might as well have done it myself the first time!
Today I work a half day, so I get to go home early … oh wait, no I don’t. I have to pick up my car, drop off the rental (and how am I supposed to do that), make groceries, think about dinner, take my son to work, catch up on all the work I missed from the car accident, blah, blah, blah… My hub goes in late today … so he could have helped … he started saying something other than yes and I cut him off and said I would figure it out myself. (I know, I know, not everybody is an extroverted person who comes up with solutions immediately, I know, but I was MAD!!!!) While I’m sitting here typing this, he comes in and has a solution … Why didn’t you say that an hour ago instead of frustrating me so? Then he’ll be like, “Why are you up so early if you don’t teach until 8?” *side eye* BECAUSE MY BODY HURTS AND IT TAKES ME LONGER TO GET SHOWERED, DRESSED, MAKEUP, HAIR, JEWELRY, SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TAKE NOTICE DAMMIT!!!!!!!!
I’m going to have to learn to ask for what I need and stop feeling like I have to give when I’m in pain or have nothing else to give…